Sunday, March 16, 2008

"How Are You Doing?"

Since the title of this blog is "Ask Don Hill Anything," I feel obligated to answer all questions put to me the best I can.

One question I've had asked of me quite a bit lately is "How are you doing - are you OK?"

The reason people ask me that, if you're not aware, is that my extended family recently experienced a tragic and untimely loss of one of its younger members. I won't go into the heartbreaking details, but needless to say it has had quite an emotional impact on everyone in our family.

It's not uncommon these days for such a thing to happen, and we're often reminded of our own mortality every time we look at a newspaper or watch the evening news. But when it hits so close to home it wears a completely different face. It's sort of like getting sucker-punched in the solar plexus - totally unexpected and world-changing.

It knocks the wind out of you. Your mind struggles to deal with the reality of it and to digest how your overall perception of reality has suddenly changed because of this event. At the same time, your heart is torn in so many directions as you begin to understand the impact such a thing has on so many others who you love and care for.

If you've never experienced such an event in your life, it's almost impossible to describe. There is an overwhelming sense of numbness, coupled with a vague realization that life will not be the same from that point forward. Your mind tends to wander, touching on memories that you thought you had forgotten long ago, but now as fresh as the day they were made.


And as is the case with all wounds, the healing process begins.

The gathering of the extended family for the funeral services played a huge part in the process of putting things in perspective. There were many family members present who had experienced a "falling out" with other family members, angry and "not on speaking terms" because of some long-ago disagreement or perceived wrong between them. Many of the family members present had not seen each other for many years, having all gone their separate ways.

But there everyone was, gathered together for a single purpose - to mourn the loss of one of our own, so untimely and so senselessly. It was as if each person in the entire gathering had this single event to use as an anchor point, which they could compare to everything else in their lives - better or worse - and make up their own minds about how this would affect them. And most importantly, how to move forward in their own individual lives.

I should mention that before departing to attend the services (a 3-hour drive), I was told by a few close friends that they would remember us and our family in their prayers. That goes a great distance towards explaining what I saw take place - which was really quite unexpected - especially if you know my extended family as well as I do.

It was as if the petty arguments that everyone had previously had with one another were not only forgiven, but forgotten as well. Everyone started communicating and becoming a family again - something that hadn't taken place for a good number of years. Old acquaintances were renewed, and new ones were made. (New spouses, new children, new jobs, new lives since last we met.)

And tragic though the circumstances may have been which brought us all together at that place and time, I can't help but believe that in spite of all of the sorrow and grief there was a tremendous positive force that moved through everyone, and that we had each experienced the presence of a loving God that reached out to heal those who were hurting the most - through the people they love the most.

If my reference to God makes you uncomfortable, that's not my intent. Feel free to substitute whatever name you choose to address the universal and omnipotent entity which is responsible for both the creation and maintenance of the universe. Whatever - or whoever - you wish to call it, it was present there on that day we said our farewells to a troubled young man who found life too overwhelming to face anymore. I watched as it moved people that were apart together again, bound by that sometimes very thin thread called "family."

We talked with one another, we remembered happy and sad times together, we laughed together, and of course we also cried together. Bottom line - we shared ourselves with each other once again, and each of us left with the realization that we are still collectively a family, and how foolish it can be to allow petty disagreements to destroy that.

More laughing, crying, and lots of hugging each other (even from some of the more "macho" type men who often scoff at such open show of affection). And then we all departed to our respective little corners of the universe, to resume our lives, feeling not only a loss, but some gain as well.

So that's a pretty long answer to a fairly simple question, "How are you doing?"

But I didn't think the short answer, "I'm doing fine, and better every day" would really tell the full story. Like I said in my first post on this blog, sometimes answers bring up more questions. But those are answers better left for another day. For now, I'll continue to accept the answers I've found, and will rely on my faith to provide still more, as it has many times so far in my life.

My profoundest thanks to those of you who offered your support though this whole experience. It has had more effect than you may realize - I honestly felt your presence there, and you have our heartfelt gratitude for that.

And thanks for bearing with me as I write about this, but it was something that I felt moved to share. That's what friends do, and I realize that I have many more friends than I thought I did just a very short time ago.

Footnote: The cycle of life continues! We were just informed by our son that we are going to become grandparents again in September (this will be our 4th)!

Life is a wild ride! There are "ups" that are worth riding thru the "downs" to get to. Just hang on and enjoy the ride while it lasts - it'll be over soon enough, and there's lots to do between now and then!

My next post should be in a much lighter vein, and maybe just a tiny bit more business-oriented.

See you next time!

34 comments:

Unknown said...

Don- What a touching post. It makes you stop and think that life really is too short and to put aside your petty differences.

Coach Gia said...

Hi Don, you express yourself as a sincere,and heartfelt man. I will surely, "Ask Don Hill Anything."

Congrats on becoming a grandparent again!

Gia aka Gwendolyn Allen "Google Me"

Wyverex said...

My youth has included your family in the prayers Thank you for sharing this

Wavecritter said...

I pray for The numbness to warm again

Tess Anderson said...

You are articulate in your writing style. I was moved. I can relate to the way family can be because of my own that is estranged. I'm afraid to think of what might be the catalyst that will bring this family back to its foldIt's hard to understand why things happen the way they do and even more how they turn out. I look forward to your future posts. Thank you DigitalDon.

Adrian Castle - Google Me

askGerhard-Kaiser said...

Hi Don,
Thank`s for going familiar and give our team the chance for "Ask Don Hill Anything".
It`s make me thoughtful...
Congrats on becoming a grandparent again!
Gerhard Kaiser - Google me

Muddog357 said...

It is time that heals, and Prayer, understanding. All to you and family

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post, It has helped me out, I recently just lost two members of my family, both sudden and tragic. We all did our best to come together and take care of each other during this time in our lives. The result has made bonds stronger and family members have gotten closer to each other then before. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to open hearts and minds.

Thanks for this post
Rachel
The baked blogger
http://bakedblog.com

'Digital" Don Hill said...

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and your thoughts and prayers. You have all been a great source of strength for Debbie and myself, and indeed life goes on.

@Rachel - My heartfelt condolences to you on your loss. It seems you had much the same experience that I just did. If only there were a sufficient motivator other than tragedies such as these to bring people together and support one another - what a changed and better world it would be!

Bob Caine said...

Don, it is never easy. I hope that sharing your feelings helped a little. I am looking forward to your next entry.

GFranklin said...

As I read your post I to know the feeling of losing loved a one to soon. I lost a nephew that I was very close to. Stay strong bother an may god smile upon you, and your famliy.

Kurt Mitchell said...

It is kind of sad that it takes a terrible tragedy to bring people together. But now you can move forward with your healing and hopefully your family will see the value in togetherness. Great post Don.

mike jackson said...

Hey Don
I read your article,it made me think back when my own family went through some tough times a few years ago.You express yourself very well.Sometimes we need to do that.

Wyverex said...

Thank You so much for listening in on our show last night, you made my whole day!

One Star Health said...

God send his blessings to you and your family :)

John Raines said...

Don- i read every word of your post im honored to know you - john raines

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the strong winds which almost make us lose our footing bring with them waves of healing
that would not have come without
the wind. His grace was suffic-
ient

askdorothylanman

Muddog357 said...

My wife says your radio show should be coming soon, great news

John High said...

Well Don I can say I know how you feel. Time and time again I have had to deal with this and this post did touch home with me a bit. It angers me when I think that trauma is the only way for family to get together, that are having differences. If my family were still alive, I would do what I have to do, to keep us together. Life is too short...
The Freedom Guy

mcclen said...

Linda McClendon I know how you fell I have been there and may god bless everyone.
Google Me

Wavecritter said...

Hi Don! :)

michael curry said...

Congrats on soon to be grand parents life can be great...
Your Friend @ http://www.learnmarketingsuccess.com
Michael Curry - google me

Wavecritter said...

Hi Don! Stopping by for a Smile ;)

Kann Do Girl said...

Don - You words were heartfelt. We must all learn that all we have is the moment we are in - there are no guarantees - each breath could be our last - or one of our loved ones. Thanks for Sharing.

Dorothy Lanman said...

Google Dorothy Lanman

Thank God just as a physical wound heals with time, so time event- ually brings a measure of healing to the spirit. Thus bringing a
measure of consolation.

Anonymous said...

Very touching. God Bless!

Rhonda Olin - Google Me

Anonymous said...

Hi Don!!!

Ask Dwayne petersen said...

Hi Don,

As time passes so will the hurt that was brought on to you and all your familt. But stop and take a look at what happened when the fammily got to gether. maybe this is why this young person was taken so early in life. It brought all back to one point.One whole. one Union.All This with one sacrifce.

Ask Jim Lucier said...

Don, I know exactly where you are coming from. It can be a very tough experience. I feel your loss.

Unknown said...

Just came by to say hi and when can we expect more of your great writing?
:)

Wyverex said...

Hi Don

Lana Benton said...

A small window in time can open some huge doors, as Father Time (God) sees to the order of things. Congratulations my friend (grandpapa Hill) and God Bless you and yours!

Doug said...

Great to here from you. Sorry for the lost in your family. I lost a young friend when I was younger in a tragic incident and I still think of him a lot I guest as long as you can remember them you will always have them around.
Google Me Douglas Gorden

Marilyn Swanson said...

Your words made me really think about my part in opening lines of communication with those who have not been in touch. Sometimes we stubbornly say "The ball is in their court now. It's up to them to make that first move" Tragically, we lose precious time waiting for them to make that move. Life is too short to keep score of past injustices that hurt us! Sometimes we need to reach out and forgive. Even if communication lines remain closed after you have made the effort, you have peace in knowing that you made took that step toward healing. Thanks Don.

Marilyn Swanson - Google Me